


A song of cracked Ice and fire Plays

by Faiseuse_d_Histoires



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Jonerys, Petulant Sansa, cleopatra inspired, jon doesn't know his geography, parody of jonsa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2020-10-12 18:03:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20568581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faiseuse_d_Histoires/pseuds/Faiseuse_d_Histoires
Summary: Had she known what would happen this night, and all the disastrous events that would follow, Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, Lady of Dragonstone, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons would have certainly decided to retire to bed early. VERY early.A crackfic AU where Daenerys conquered King's Landing, and the King in the North desperately needs her help for the Long Night;





	1. Part one

Part One

Had she known what would happen this night, and all the disastrous events that would follow, Queen **Daenerys** Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, Lady of Dragonstone, Queen of Meereen, **Khaleesi** of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons would have certainly decided to retire to bed early. VERY early.

The night was fresh in King’s Landing, the city she just conquered with grand bravados with the help of her Unsullied and the Dothraki (and her sons who were such an impressive sight in the sky). Almost no bloodshed, as they made sure to set up a big propaganda before even arriving, and a very big show of dance (of the Dothrakis, of course, though sometimes it looked too much like they were more fucking than dancing) and lights to reveal to the people what they were missing without her as their queen. Her Hand and Varys the Spider were decidedly great masters at communication. And the story they made up was really seducing.

Maybe a bit too much as they had accentuated a lot on the attractive (and virgin, hilariously) queen awaiting for her knight in shining armor. Each day men would come, trying to seduce her to bed. Sometimes she was tempted to try. But then, she would remember the role they forced her into. And that virgin queen could not get into bed without a proper and long (and very chaperoned) courting.

Cersei Lannister was imprisoned in the cellars, awaiting her judgement. Her brother the Kingslayer was in the next, and she did not know what to do with them yet. So they waited. And waited. And waited.

She would have to remake the whole hall, she thought as she sat on the uncomfortable chair that night. Too many crimson, not enough red.

Missandei was at her side, staring longingly at her lover on the other side of the room.

Love was in the eyes, indeed.

She sighed, frustrated with her own life.

“Does anyone know a joke… Anything?”

Tyrion smiled, and stepped forward, ready to begin his show.

“I once walked into a brothel with a jackass and a honeycomb…”.

Unfortunately, before he even continued his story, a loud bang resonated in the room and the door opened, revealing an old grey-beard man, a bit too covered for the city, carrying a big carpet.

“Dammit!” cursed Tyrion.

Daenerys rolled her eyes.

  
Security these days was decidedly not what it was before, Dany thought. She’d have to reinforce it.

“Your Highness!!”

The poor man seemed disheveled, and the carpet he was holding seemed really heavy.

With the other hand, he handed a letter to Tyrion, who handed it to Varys, until it came to Missandei who chuckled by the ludicrousness of it.

“My name is Davos Seaworth, Hand of the King in the North.”

Dany rolled her eyes, then skimmed the paper when finally it came to her.

She did not comprehend the meaning of it, as it seemed completely ridiculous.

She raised her eyes, already tired.

“So,” she said, disillusioned. “the King in the North, who I knew nothing about a few minutes earlier, is sending me a carpet so that I help him win a war against mythological creatures?”

The man fidgeted, and she thought she heard a groan coming from the carpet.

“ Not just any carpet, your Grace!” said the man painfully. “A very heavy one!”

“A very attractive one, you twat,” a very masculine voice whispered angrily at him.

The hall was decidedly quite echoic.

At these words, the man unrolled it, revealing a very naked man, with a perfectly rounded ass and pretty dark hair in ringlets. And eyes shining like melting chocolate.

Daenerys blinked, asking herself if someone put something in her drink that night.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

The man raised up quickly, unashamed, and put his hands on his hips. A smirk was on his face.

Missandei was gaping, Varys had put a hand on his open mouth as a sign of shock, and Tyrion was crossing his arms, still upset to have been so rudely interrupted.

The man looked at his surroundings nonchalantly, then stared right at the queen.

Was it hot in here, or was it just her? She took a hard breath of air.

Finally, he opened his mouth, putting a hand on his hair and winking at her.

“Why, hello, your Grace!” He said. “I’ve heard you rode dragons. But how about a wolf?

Daenerys blinked.

And that was only the beginning of troubles, she realized.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) Just a little crackfic, quickly written, not to be taken seriously.

Life was truly a very strange thing, Daenerys Targaryen thought as she stared at the naked man smirking in front of her, visibly unbothered by decency and the coldness of the room.

She dared not look downward. Nope.

Not now anyway.

She looked at Tyrion, then at Varys who raised his eyebrow in a severe manner.

Oh, yes, she remembered. She was supposed to be an untouched maiden.

“Cover yourself, good ser,” she said hurriedly, waving nervously towards the King in the North. “You’re in the presence of women.”

“You’re overdoing it, my queen.” Missandei whispered at her ear.

She blinked, her gaze fixed on the man.

“Oh, don’t cover, then.”

“No!” Tyrion shouted.

“How unseemly,” Varys continued. “Your Grace, you can’t think of…”

But a louder voice interrupted them, rough and irritated.

“SO what do I do, your Grace? Cover or not? The Deads won’t be waiting that long.”

Daenerys thought she heard Ser Davos whispered to him “And your boner either.”

Which could explain why suddenly, the insufferable man covered his manhood with his hands.

Geez, men…

She rolled her eyes, tired with all this nonsense.

“Oh Gods, put me out of that misery…” She sighed, before glaring at the man. “Cover, would you? I need to think!”

He blinked at her, his mouth taking the shape of a “o”, before looking at his own body as if his nervous gaze could somehow cover him.

“Wait!” Varys exclaimed, with sparkles in his eyes, clapping with his hands. “I have exactly what is needed for that!”

Tyrion sighed. “O gods, not again…”

Daenerys’ eyes widened, then she nodded, allowing him to proceed. He clapped once again, and then various little boys (his little birds, he called them fondly) came with fabrics in their hands.

Little did she know that the following act had the potential to lead her on the verge of insanity.

Because thus began an endless series of fittings where the King in the North was dressed, then undressed at multiple times, Ser Davos and Varys discussing shapes and colors while Tyrion was drinking his despair away.

Missandei was chuckling the whole time, and Grey Worm was glaring, seemingly jealous that she looked at another man.

All that time, Daenerys had her eyes covered by her fingers, though she realized the fingers somehow tended to spread more and more.

Okay, now he looked like a monk, she thought at the twentieth fitting. Less sexy.

Dear Gods…

Though…

No. Not sexy at all, Daenerys corrected herself.

“No, no, it doesn’t work,” Varys remarked, tapping his chin with his forefinger. “Why not with a little bit of color...”

Another undressing, and Daenerys found that she had been pressing the blades of her throne a bit too much. She was beginning to bleed.

“I look like a fucking rainbow,” The man in question groaned when the cloth was put on him.

“I think you should stop it now,” Daenerys said wearily.

And my heart would not bear another undressing, she thought.

“But…” He protested.

“If you want other clothes, you should have brought them with you, my lord,” She did not look at him, only waved him off. “Now you must earn them.”

He fidgeted, trying to shake the clothes a little.

“It’s too bloody hot in here…” He moaned.

“You don’t say…” Daenerys massaged her temples, the headache beginning to settle on her brain. “Tell me, Jon Snow. What’s your story, my lord?”

“King,” muttered Davos angrily. But Jon stopped him.

“The Deads…”

She shook her head.

“No, I’m not in the mood for that today. Tell me why you decided to come here specifically, with only Ser Davos at your side and no escort as would be befitting for your rank as king?”

He fidgeted.

“Well…” He began.

“Well…?” She repeated, irritated. “What are you waiting for?”

He stared at her, exasperated.

“For the clouds. It helps to set out the flashback. Oh, here’s they are.”

*Flashback break*

Another version of Jon Snow was discussing with a beautiful red-haired woman (“that’s just my sister,” presented Jon with an awkward smile towards Daenerys).

“We need to be better than Cersei,” She said clearly as if she was explaining life to a child. “To think like Cersei. To be Cersei.”

She closed her eyes, then opened them to stare vaguely at the distance.

“So what do you think?” Jon declared, exasperated. “What does Cersei think?”

The woman’s glazed eyes fixed on him as she put both of her gloved hands to each other.

“I think…” She began, taking a breath. “I need to have sex with you…. Can I?”

“You must be kidding me…” Tyrion said from the fourth wall.

“Hey! That’s my flash-back.”

“And what’s with the white in her eyes?” Daenerys ‘ hand asked, an ironic smile on his face “Your memory is quite screwed up, man.”

“No, it’s perfect.”

*Flashback end.*

“That was a very bad trip, if you asked me…” Tyrion tried to regain his composure. “And I’ve known some already twisted.”

Daenerys shook her head, bewildered.

“SO that’s how it happened?”

Jon looked at her with an amused smile.

“Pretty much sums this up,” He added. “I fled and she called herself the Queen in the North and asked me to come back to her.”

Daenerys tapped her fingers on her knees, deciding that she did not need to hurt herself more than she already was.

“You mean to tell me you’ve been sexually harassed by your own sister, so you fled to save your virtue and hers, and now you’re selling yourself to me because she called herself queen in the North and she’s calling you back?”

He nodded eagerly.

“That, and I need armies for the greater good.”

“And what is the greater good?”

“The fight against the Dead. Duh.”

Daenerys rolled her eyes.

“How heroic.”

“I know.”

“It was ironic.” She rectified. “It sounds more like a weird man’s fantasy.”

“Ouch.”

“We’re here, you know,” Tyrion intervened, waving.

She ignored him. Instead she raised from her throne and began to step forwards towards the man who ruined her quiet evening.

“Do you know where I come from?” She began.

“I’m not going to point it in a map.” He shook his head, glaring defiantly at her.

Her eyes widened.

“I…”

“DON’T PATRONIZE ME!” He shouted.

“Al-right….” She said, unsettled, wondering how to explain things to someone who decidedly would interpret things in another way than she intended to. “I was just going to say I’ve survived catastrophic events and I’m not going to be convinced easily by a man who thinks he can get what he wants from me just by coming naked and talking to me about things that seemed to be a pervert’s fancy.”

“Oh.” He said, blinking his eyes. “Sorry. But I’m not a pervert. I’m…”

She huffed.

“Well, Jon Snow suffered too!” Davos intervened eagerly. “He took a knife in the heart for his peop-…”

“Way to tell everyone I was dead, Davos.”

“Whaa…”

“Figure of speech, your Grace.” Jon Snow said with a charming smile. “Now how about we discuss our next… arrangements?”

Daenerys bit her lips, trying to stop the tempting images that came to her.

She clenched her jaw, irritated with herself.

“You. Are going to go to bed. Now.”

“With you?”

“NO.” She narrowed her eyes. “Grey Worm will show you your room. And your friend will follow you. Tomorrow we will talk.”

“But… The dead…”

“NO TALK. BED.”

“He’s a king, your Grace.” Davos interved. “He’s allowed to go to sleep whenever he wants.”

“What he said.” Jon added. “I’m not a child.”

She got closer to him, until only an inch separated their faces.

She heard her advisors gape at her boldness, but she did not care. She needed to intimidate him. Even if he was a head taller than her.

Still smaller than Drogo, she thought amusingly.

His breath smelled like fresh mint. Icy. She could see her approach affected him, as he seemed to be holding his breath.

Was he scared of her?

She raised on her toes, touched his shoulder to have a better support, then whispered in his ear.

“You may be called a king in your home, my lord” She uttered with a controlled, pleasing voice. “But not in this place. So I tell you once again, before I send more men after you. Go. To. Bed.”

His eyes narrowed as she distanced herself from him, and she could see his pupils had widened.

“Grey Worm,” She called with as much calm as she could. “Lead these men to their rooms.”

When finally the doors were closed behind them, Daenerys leaned on it, really tired and trying to overcome the uneasy feeling that came with the King in the North. That’s when she heard their voices on the other side.

“She’s feisty.”

“More like she has a bad temper.”

“But I can see you liked it.”

“Not at all, I tell y-“

She crossed her arms and shouted at them.

“I hear you, you know. The guards are on their way…”

She rolled her eyes as she heard the hurry on their steps.

Then she sighed, looking at her friend who was smiling amusingly.

“In which madman’s nightmare did I fell into, Missandei?” Daenerys said wearily. 

"I don't know, my queen," She answered. "But I think interesting things are about to happen..."


	3. Part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look what I’ve found, all dusty (and, at the time, half-finished) in one corner of my computer!  
Thank you for your patience with this. From these last months, it was easier to focus on angst than on crack, surprisingly (Well, maybe that’s why I managed to have more than 100 000 words on a Dance with Shadows at this point… Still can’t believe I reached that). I can’t promise it will be posted regularly, but I can surely say I do not attend to abandon this.   
This format will stay like that, short little chapters. But don’t worry, plot will be coming… soon.

The night had been long. Very long. She was almost surprised to see the first rays of sunlight coming from her window. Tossing and tossing, but never quite recovering from the vision of that unsufferable so-called “King in the North”, and the way he presented himself, so self-assured, so determined, so… very well-built and attractive. Damn, even these nasty scars that were on his chest did not do anything to make him less than that. Quite the contrary.

He was a mad one, she had seen it. How could she believe such nonsense coming from him? An army of dead people coming to kill them all, a sister suddenly lusting after him and forcing him to escape… and the way he had arrived, wrapped in a carpet, carried away by his Hand? Ridiculous, so very ridiculous.

Certainly this one must have hit his head quite badly (though certainly he bore no trace of it).

Or he had read too many books.

Or maybe both. Who could know?

Before she could even tried to figure out the mystery that was definitely this Jon Snow, said man suddenly opened her door with a big band that resonated in the room, his steps decisive and regal despite his rainbow suit.

“Your Grace, I need to see you!”

The young queen sighed, leaned in to massage her temples, then looked at him wearily.

“I should hire better guards,” She mumbled bitterly, before turning towards the intruder. “Do you know, ser, that I could ask you to be executed for what you just did?”

He did not seem to have heard her. Instead, he was eyeing her quite flatteringly, his face taking suddenly an expression of incredulity and… was it desire?

“Are you… naked under that cover?”

“That’s… not an important question, my lord.”

“Jon.”

“Answer my question, _Jon_.”

“Oh, because it was a question?”

“It certainly was said as such.”

“Well then I thought it was obvious,” He replied with his rough, though not quite so unpleasant, voice. “You _could_. But then, what about that pretty picture you gave, that of a merciful queen, willing to listen to all of her subjects?”

“And what about my virtue that you violate by intruding in my room? ”

“Oh, my queen, believe me, if there’s anything happening between us, I very much doubt it’d be by force. Or, at least, not on my part. Though from you, I wouldn’t be quite disagreeable.”

She raised one eyebrow.

“You are quite cocky, ser.”

“Jon. I mean it. You have dragons. Armies. The support of your people. It’d be terrible to do anything without your consent,” He argued. “Furthermore, you should know I’m not one to force myself on a woman.”

“I certainly do not know about that. I don’t know you,” She smirked. “And does that mean that if you’re not one to force yourself on a woman, you’d be one when it comes to a man?”

He froze, then chuckled.

“Certainly not. But I thought you did not care where my heart swayed, my queen.”

“I certainly do not!” She said hurriedly, blushing when he sent towards her an amused smile. She raised her chin defiantly.

“As for you not knowing me… that could easily be remedied.”

“Why, Jon Snow, don’t you know I’m just a poor virgin that you caught unaware just as she was taking a well-deserved rest?”

He chuckled.

“You’re far from being a poor virgin,” He said.

“How dare…”

“It’s your eyes, your Grace,” He said softly. “They give you away. They’re not one of an innocent girl. They had seen too many things. They are strong, clever and too wary.”

She paused, taking the measure of him.

He was so much more than he appeared.

Though his appearance was still at his advantage, she thought.

They certainly would have stared much longer at each other if a swift white, furry and quite enormous shadow hadn’t suddenly appeared and jumped on Daenerys’ huge bed.

From the day she became queen, Daenerys Targaryen had sworn she would never let any potential threat feel her uncertainty. She was certainly not about to begin now.

But still, she could not help but suddenly retreat toward the head of her bed, her hands clasped tightly around her sheets.

Jon only seemed to find it all very hilarious.

The beast suddenly came closer to her, as if curious, and she finally met its eyes…

“Your Highness, this is Ghost, my dire…”

“What a cutie!” She gasped.

All that fur, so very soft and long, so very immaculate. And these warm eyes, that were shining at her like she was exactly the one he was waiting for…

She felt her heart melting. She opened it for the creature, as well as her arms towards him.

“He’s not a pet,” The king in the North said, uneasy. “Don’t… pet him.”

Too late for that. Once she had her hand on him, there was no turning back. He nearly purred like a big cat at her gestures.

“He’s adorable !” She cooed.

“… NO he’s not !” Jon Snow suddenly protested. “He’s fearsome ! He killed people!”

“Look at that fearsome good boy who killed bad guys… Did you like it? Oh, I’m sure you did, you little sweetheart, sure you did…”

Ghost licked her face, and she giggled.

“Why hadn’t you presented him to me earlier?”

“Would it have served my case if I had? I was under the impression it would be seen as a threat.”

“It would certainly have served it. Just one look at this sweet-heart, and my heart has been taken away!”

“Your heart…”

But just as he was about to continue, suddenly Davos appeared, panicked, with Tyrion and Grey Worm at his heels.

“Your Grace!” He said hurriedly. “I’m sorry, I tried to stop them, but…”

Daenerys sighed, her hand still patting softly the back of Ghost’s right ear. She finally realized there may have been another reason than just her guards’ incompetence.

“But you failed. And now it seemed to me my room had become quite the meeting point.”

Missandei slipped discretely in the room, and quickly joined her queen and friend, giving her a cup with milk of the puppy, as she knew she would need it. Tyrion looked inquiringly at the surroundings, calculating the damages on the reputation of the queen, then raised an eyebrow towards the door.

“Well, it could have been worse, I believe. What about you, Spider? What are you doing besides that door?”

“Me, nothing.” Said-man intervened with an innocent face, stepping back from his hiding place. “Just doing what I am good for.”

“Lurking around corners?”

“Knowing everything that is happening in that castle and beyond and see what I can do with that.”

“Quite an interesting job.”

“Enough, you two,” Daenerys intervened, the effect of the milk of the puppy still taking its sweet time to settle.

Meanwhile, Davos had joined the king in the North’s side.

“Stop staring as if you would want to be a damn pet”, Davos mumbled, fondly irritated, at his protegee/king.

“I’m not staring!” The young man whispered furiously. “And I don’t want any pats! Or hugs. Or… Whatever,”

Ser Davos only shrugged. “As you said, lad.”

At Daenerys’ side, there was certainly other things going on.

“You could have easily stop them, Missandei. Your room is next to mine. You can easily see or hear what is happening. And, from my knowledge, you certainly were not alone in that room. Did Grey Worm sleep well?”

“Hardly,” Her friend smirked. “I thought it might be interesting.”

“You seem to find a lot of things interesting, lately…”

“Well, it certainly spices things up.”

Daenerys sighed.

“Maybe a little too much for the morning. Can’t you go see if my bath is ready? I believe I will need it.”

Finally, she glared at all of the intruder

“You… Can’t you all go away?” She said wearily. “Can’t a queen get a well-deserved bath before sitting on that uncomfortable chair, or does she need to be looked at from the moment she opens her eyes?”

They blinked at her, and she found herself quite offended when they looked at her like it was a normal thing to do so. From a distance, they heard Drogon’s roar, and somehow it helped them to decide.

Jon Snow was the last to stay behind. She raised an eyebrow at him. He opened his mouth, unsure, and then leaned towards her, a conspiring twinkle in his eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t want to…”

“No.”

“Alright then.”

Silence. He was about to turn, but suddenly, she remembered something, that, at the moment she thought the answer was a necessary thing to end her morning.

“And… what about what you were going to tell me?

He blinked, looking like he had completely forgotten about it. Then grinned at her, his warm eyes shining at her in amusement.

“It can wait a more… decent circumstance,” He finally said with a charming smile. “Enjoy your bath, your Grace.”

And with that, he was gone, his furry friend with him. She found herself releasing a breath she did not know she had been holding back until now, and whispered quite late an answer to his last sentence.

“… Daenerys.”

She was almost regretting refusing. Almost.

The day was going to be a long one, she feared. 


End file.
